A Lesson in Beards

After the WILD success of my lesson in moustaches, I feel compelled to continue with the facial hair theme. The public demands it! What can I do but choose to please? (Maybe by "the public" I mostly mean myself - I just can't get enough facial hair! And I'm not sorry about it.) So to get us started - per request of Glynnis (not like I would EVER disagree to posting this) - I will post this picture of a dearly beloved beard. Just a little something to get the facial hair juices flowing, ease you into the bearded bliss that will follow.


Mmm yes, we all like beards don't we?


Now, onto the beards! This time I think I will categorize the facial hair from most restrained, to most unrestrained.

So here we begin with "The Al Borland"

This beard is categorized by its particularly tidy appearance. Notice the razor edge precision of this beard - an owner of "The Al" obviously shaves once a day (or more!) to keep up the precise outline of this beard. Also note the uniform length of every inch of this beard - to me "The Al" resembles a freshly mowed lawn - one that is taken care of by a lawn crew. Continuing with the lawn theme - notice how even the consistency of this specimen is - no patches. One can see the resemblence between this beard and a lawn of newly laid sod. Sweet perfection

Next, we move onto "The Gorton Fisherman" aka "The New Englander "

This beard is a little bit fuller then the "Al", but just as sturdy. Famously worn by Ernest Hemingway, "The New Englander" sometimes hosts the peculiarity of having slightly fuller patches at the angles of the jaw. Hard to describe - but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Next up - The Abe Lincoln "Chin Curtain".

As well as being THE FIRST beard ever worn by an American President, this particular beard style is very common amongst the Amish. What a historical goldmine this style is. Characterized by a lack of moustache and the containment of the beard to the chin and underside of the jaw line, this beard is not very popular in mainstream, modern America. I wonder why that is?

Speaking of beards not popular in mainstream, modern America; feast your eyes on this puppy.

That's right - it's 'THE ZEUS". Tightly curled, neatly styled, and with a 'do to match it this beard is a whammy. I await the day I see this one roaming the streets with bated breath. But maybe there's a reason that it's usually only worn by the Gods. Just maybe. This is a beauty that us mere mortals cannot fully comprehend.

Our next beard takes us from the Heavens to the Ocean.

Ah "The Triton". This formidable beard-moustache combo needs the assistance of only the most devoted beard lovers to ensure it's existence. How many years do you think it would take to grow a beard that long, with a moustahce long enough to get lost in it?

This beard is another one where only the most devoted (or the most negligent) need apply.

The "ZZ Top", also known as "The Hobo" or "The Tramp", can range from scraggly and long, to full and long - but either way you've got to have the long part goin on. In this case you're either trying to make a statement, or you've just been so busy catching rail cars and working for food that it's somehow slipped your mind to make it to the hobo barber (I'm pretty sure they do exist. At hobo camps.)

Our last beard honestly scares the shit out of me a little. Who knows why.

Just because some individuals want to take the time to hand guide the growth of their beard into "The Forker", doesn't mean that it should be so scary. But somehow it is.

Well, that concludes my post on beards. To finish off this post, I wish to both make a tribute to How I Met Your Mother for their innovation in the beard world, and include a completely gratuitous picture of Ted Mosby/Josh Radnor (because he may be cute regularly, but he's even more so with a beard). I present to you all "The Break Up Beard"

Oh Ted, if we dated, you would NEVER have to grow this beard unless you wanted to. Obviously because we would NEVER break up, and not in a creepy stalkerish "I wouldn't allow it" kind of way, but because our lives would be so filled with joy and harmony that it would never be required. You would only need to grow a beard, or any kind of facial hair really, if you wanted to - and heaven knows I would encourage it.