Horoscopes of the Week!

Well, I figured since the school year is back upon us and I'm downtown and in ready access to good ol' Creative Loafing I would post the Freewill Astrology of the week. You're welcome, already, guys. They're just delightful.
A sidebar: I plan on posting with the experience of having tonsils removed. I will not hold back. It will be gruesome and knarly. It will not be for the feint of heart. I'm doing this as a favor as the How-To and Trial-and-Error person of the group, it only felt right to have this surgery performed for the sake of others.


Horoscopes for your pleasure...


Virgo (August 23-September 22)
"I have dreamed in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas," wrote Emily Bronte in Wuthering Heights. "They have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind." One of your main assignments in the coming week, Virgo, is to identify a dream that can work that kind of magic on you. If there is no such dream currently seeded in your imagination, find a new one to plant there.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
The apocalypse won't be all that bad," Bible scholar Parker Creaston told the Weekly World News. There'll be a "brief period of mild to moderate disorder," after which will come an extended period of "worldwide peace and harmony." Similarly, Libra, your fear of impending chaos in your personal sphere will turn out to be overblown. Yes, you may suffer temporary shortages and inconveniences, as well as what we might call a metaphorical "traffic jam." But you can forget about mountains of fire, seas of blood, and hordes of locusts from the bottomless pit. They will definitely not be showing up.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You've reached a phase in your astrological cycle when you have special power to expand, deepen, and enhance your web of allies. My advice? Don't just schmooze and party, but rather schmooze and party with an evangelical sense of purpose, taking advantage of the fact that people are more likely than usual to see you as attractive, be sympathetic to your cause, and lend you their support. The connections you forge and the synergetic collaborations you ignite in the next three weeks could be major factors in your success in 2009.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
According to the Guinness website, the world record for opera singers receiving curtain calls is Luciano Pavarotti, who got 165 after his 1988 show at the Deutsche Opera in Berlin. If that mark is ever broken, it may soon be accomplished by a Sagittarian performer. That's because you people will be at the peak of your potential to garner acknowledgement, recognition, and rewards in your chosen field. Here's a secret about how you can take maximum advantage of that potential: Imagine that there is a higher, finer level of excellence that's beyond what you've understood as excellence up until now. Then figure out what you'd have to do to rise to that higher, finer level.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
Thanks for the entertainment you've provided so far in 2008, Aquarius. Since last January, you have sent a nagging demon packing and corrected a kink in your integrity. You've paid off a load of karmic debt left over from the old days and have even begun to dissolve an outdated psychosexual imprint. Before I announce your reward for all this good work, though, I'd like you to make more progress on tempering your obsessive side. See what you can do to convert it from a part-time liability into a full-time asset.