A Lesson in Moustaches

So Glynnis and I went and got a little lunch at Fellini's today, and while we were waiting for our food, I couldn't help but notice that ESPN - the channel Fellini's invariably always turns their tvs to - was ACTUALLY showing something interesting! They were talking about Giambi and his statistics with and without a moustache. I'm guessing that he's doing better with - I wasn't actually listening. But it was really great because then they just kept showing all these people with moustaches! They were even interviewing this man who looked like a doctor, but he had this great moustache and a bow tie on. He had to have been a joke, but still, it was great. And you all know my great love of facial hair, so I was particularly intrigued, and inspired by this story. I will provide the link to the original ESPN story here, just in case anyone is interested (We've mentioned broadening our horizons here and I have to say that I don't think ESPN is a subject I have ever touched on). So here's the link and a little teaser picture that I particularly liked of the baseball player Rollie Fingers that they kept using on the ESPN program:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/clubhouse?team=nyy (go the video entitled "Mustachioed Masses Supporting Jason Giambi")


And now, after the cut, my own little review on moustaches - if you so please. Just indulge me.


So there are many varieties of moustaches nowadays, some good, and some not so good. I will begin by discussing "moustache dos", and for my first moustache, I want to reach back into the great and proud history of moustaches to feature "The Civil War Moustache."

This hard-hitter, most famously sported in the Civil War by the Union Army's General Ambrose Burnside, is unfortunately not seen very often nowadays. I'm not sure why or when it fell out of popularity, but I'm guessing it takes a man with a certain amount of confidence to sport this one. Interesting fact - as General Burnside was a very popular man, with very distinctive facial hair, this particular 'stache came to be known as the "burnside", which later morphed into the word "sideburns". So we can thank this great man for those marvelous specimens, perhaps my favorite, of follicular ornamentry.

For the next moustache "do", I take you all to Post-Modern Europe where we will meet a man who also has a moustache named for him. This is of course Salvador Dali.

I may not particularly mesh with his art, but with his moustache I cannot find fault. Truly an innovator in both his artwork AND his facial hair, this man took the handlebar moustache and went all kinds of crazy with it. I applaud you Mr. Dali. May someone find inspiration in your upper lip and find the balls to try and work that themselves. THAT would truly be a sight to see.

Now we're traveling not quite so far back in moustache history, but to a destination no less proud. That fine destination being of course to Tom Selleck's vermillion (yes, I looked it up, that is the proper name for upper lip. I had just used the word "upper lip" a little while ago so I didn't want to sound repetitive.).

Look at that fine specimen. So thick, so unapologetic, so masculine. Yes, it's been a while since we've seen the likes of the this fine beast, but I think it should make a comeback. I'll spare you all the "It's Going to be a Thing: Tom Selleck Edition" post.

For my final Moustache "Do" I give you the most recent fashion in moustaches. Often referred to nowadays as the "molestache", this bastard child of the thick and meaty "Tom Selleck" and the smaller, more unassuming "Clark Gable", is best exemplified by Kip Dynamite.

Yes, it's the perfect mix of unapologetic and refinement, with just a touch of the Hulk Hogan/Biker handlebar thrown in.

Now even I, a self-proclaimed lover of facial hair, can own that not all kinds of moustaches are flattering or should be attempted. So for your perusal, I offer you a few Moustache "DONTS", arranged chronologically from oldest to newest.


The toothbrush. Just don't do it.


The "pornstache". Unlike it's close cousin the "molestache" who JUST narrowly avoids this fate, the pornstache somehow has just a little bit too much skeeze to be palatable.

And finally...

Josh Hartnett is a very, very.... very attractive man. But I cannot forgive his VOLUNTARILY (I assume) sporting the "just hit puberty peach fuzz" look. It doesn't work in middle or high school, and it definitely does not work on a man of his age. If you can't grow it, don't do it. Simple as that.

And that, ladies, is my humble presentation on moustaches through the ages. I wish I could have featured more, particularly the "Clark Gable" - there's a moustache I can sink my teeth into. But alas, there is only so much time, so much blog space, and so much I feel like I can subject you to humanely, before I know just have to limit myself. Perhaps another day, in "A Lesson in Moustaches: Part Deux." We can only hope. Adieu!